You may find yourself reading this blog about relationships hoping to find the A, B, C's of finding your dream relationship. While you may land Mr. or Mrs. Perfect For You after reading these posts, I am not going to be laying out the Dating 101 rules. The purpose and intention of this blog is in it's title, hearts unleashed. I am here as YOUR life coach for YOUR life and YOUR heart. I will not confirm nor deny that when you are fully in love with yourself and completely unleashed to be yourself unapologetically you will even be seeking an intimate relationship!
So, let's dive in!
We all have personalized perspectives about relationship. These perspectives and opinions are largely based on our past experiences, let downs, and successes. We often use what we already know to determine how it will go in the future and this tends to create a pattern, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will, that keeps us stuck in what seems like the same type of relationships over and over...and over.
Before you start sweating, crying, or preaching, let's pump the breaks.
I am not specifically referring to game we play in one on one, intimate, committed, or dating relationships.
I want to talk about Relationship with a capital R because if you look around your life, the patterns that you have show up all over your life. A wise woman once shared with me "the way we do one thing is the way we do everything." This awareness left me feeling kind of icky. The way I do everything is FULL THROTTLE!
Looking at how hard I was working all over my life created a pattern of forcing outcomes and manipulating to get my way. Looking at how this applied to my relationships left me feeling sorry for the impact I was having. I was rushed. Therefore, I rushed others. I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself and others in many areas of life. It wasn't always obvious either. That is what can be tricky about this awareness. It only becomes obvious when we become aware.
Once I had this pointed out to me, I realized that what my life currently looked like was based on my past, not my present. My relationship TO Relationship was not a choice from which I was living. My relationship TO Relationship was a defensive and disempowering one. It is somewhat like an abused animal that now uses its instincts to protect itself. Our survival mechanisms have us act automatically and in what I am describing, unknowingly. The way I was being about Relationship was a strategy I had set up to protect my heart from others; keep up or move along. I always convinced myself that I could stay one step ahead of disappointment when in fact I was setting myself up for it!
So If I tell you what my mentor, Jodi, told me, "the way we do one thing is the way we do everything," what do you see for yourself?
Let's take a look:
How do you actually relate to things, people, concepts, and ourselves.
What's the Relationship you have to ideas, emotions, desires, and dreams.
What's the Relationship you have to wanting, success, failure, and commitment.
What's the Relationship you have with "the way life goes."
This can be a pretty grand concept to get at first so I'll toss up a softball example for ya.
The way life goes:
"Life sucks, then you die"
"Life is great!"
"Life is tough!"
"Life is what you make of it"
"Life can be scary."
....and so on....and so forth. I am assuming you are catching on by now.
As we dive further in, it may become clear that Relationship with a capital R can cover an IMMEASURABLE amount of topics, perspectives, and realities. In order to not go all "inception" in this blog post, I simply want to ring your bell on how you are relating to your life: your job, people (relationships), environment, yourself, etc. When you start to get clear about your relationship TO Relationship, your patterns become more clear and so does the role that you are playing in those relationships!
The way you are relating to everything in your life will allow you to draw a line in the sand about the role you are playing in life. Because I love me some sports analogies, let's use the Coach, Player, or Fan as some roles that can be played out in life.
Coach: Leads the team, schedules practices/games, does the organizing and executing of plans, makes plays for the game, teaches the players the game/rules, delegates responsibility, etc.
Player: Joins a sport for whatever reason, shows up when told, learns the rules of the game and team, abides by said rules, etc.
Fan: Attends games of a sport they enjoy or show up in support of family and friends playing a sport, watches the sporting event, commentates from the stands, gets riled up from the stands in which they have no effect on the game, etc.
As you read through the various roles, I imagine you were beginning to either wonder or decide where you land in all of this. If you get really real with yourself, you may even be able to scroll back up and distinguish where all those interpretations about "how life goes" come from and which one suits you best.
From this awareness, are you a Coach, Player, or Fan?
Are you a little of all three?
Do you relate to yourself differently in different areas of life?
There's good news in all of this folks, creating an understanding about ALL of your Relationships in your life will empower you to grab your coach's whistle and take the lead on your life. You can start calling shots and being the your own favorite player. You can be the one deciding when practice and games are and what level of competition you play in. Your relationship TO Relationship CAN BE an empowering one! When you see your past, beliefs, patterns, and strategies on display, you are no longer letting them run your life! You get to be the one who decides how your future will go and what relationships mean the most to you.
Taking the lead on your life will require you jump out of the stands and onto the court. On the hardwood, it can get scary and sweaty. You are likely to catch a bump or a bruise. You may face some strong competitors but hell, at least you'll be playing! You see, no matter how much longer I interpret how anyone's own game may go, you are the one who gets to choose. You are the one who calls the shot, all the time.
One thing I have decided, I don't write these posts for the fans wanting to stay fans. I write, coach, lead, and share for the fans wishing they were still in the game. I do this for the players looking to become coaches. I look for people working...and sweating...for their greatest life. Because no matter how many games we play, we only get one life to fit them all in.
If you are still in the stands, I invite you to start observing where you are and where it's taking you.
If it's time to recreate your Relationships in your life, grab your sneakers.
If you are in search of a support structure to become your own coach, I know a badass coach to help you get started.
You are all Coaches. The sooner you grab your whistle, the sooner your team will form.
If you are ready to start your training, click here! I take my clients off the bench and have them running plays that have them winning the games that they WANT to be winning! I've got a game plan to get you back in the game!
Written by Abigail Gazda
Liver of life and lover of love, Abigail has transformed her passion for education into a full-time career as a blogger, life coach, and public speaker. Author of Giving Up Giving Up: The Memoir of a Quitter, the transformative work she does invites people to live with intentionality and power.