Friends, you are getting a VERY behind the scenes look into my own journal today!
I have been going on and on about the importance of journaling lately and I mean it!
Getting your thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, and body sensations out of your head and onto paper has immense benefits! The main positive experience is that once they are on paper they are actually out of your head!
This creates so much head AND heart space for newness to show up! A new sense of ease, relief, clarity and flow.
Writing is one of the most powerful tools I use in my own well-being practice and I encourage you to start letter writing today!
This specific #15MinFillUp was vulnerable to read, publish, and share! However, I am all for teaching and leading by example. Of all the guidance I provide you, I am doing my own inner work constantly to lead from the front.
You and you alone are the leader of your life. It's time you step into the role.
Dear Mr. Gazda,
Yes, Mr. Gazda. First off, don’t doubt that I have considered all of the feedback I imagine this title will create but to be fair, I don’t know your real last name. To be straight, at this point in life (and the world), who’s to say that you wouldn’t take my last name? It IS a bomb ass name. I am a bomb ass woman and I am creating a bomb ass brand with my amazing name plastered all over it.
Aaaaaanywho, Mr. Gazda, I am writing you to let you know how ready I am to meet you. I have gone through quite the journey to find you and I can feel our paths getting closer. I can sense your approach. I can feel your power from light years away but I know you are in the vicinity.
A little over a year ago, I received one of the greatest compliments of my love life from a family member that dialed me in on who and how you are.
I was busy crying over another break up or some fling when my family member lovingly said, “Abigail, you will have no doubt that you have met the man you will be with because he will be remarkably extraordinary.”
Her words hit my core. “There is no way an average man can handle your power, dreams, passion, vision, and heart and you are going to have to be okay waiting for him because he is busy building his empire too.”
Her message sunk so deep into my heart. I knew she was right. I knew it and yet, I felt more sadness at the time.
“Great,” I thought knowing this would be more of a waiting game than anything.
“Where and how on Earth will I go about finding or attracting him?!?”
Accepting how extraordinary I know you to be, I did not feel like I was dwelling in social circles that were going to lead me to you. I felt then, and still do not, feel like I am in ‘my lane’ that will lead me to you. To find you at the level upon which I believe I would find you, I got nervous and intimated about who I was going to have to become in the meantime.
I began exploring who I would have to be to attract you. Most of my life, I made myself wrong for how much gumption I can muster up for a goal. I often tell myself,
“Abigail, you are too Alpha. You are too much. You are too powerful. Tone it down if you ever expect a man to take care of you the way you want to be taken care of.”
I still catch my inner critic convincing me that no man would be attracted to my fully unleashed, fully authentic self.
Sure, damsels get the knights but what do warrior women get? I criticized myself for my freakish ability to achieve, perform, succeed, teach, guide, create, and more. I struggled with my level of masculinity so I began exploring my femininity as to soften my edges. I have been doing this with therapists, coaches, healers, friends, family, strangers at Starbucks, you name it. Babe, I have been workin’ myself ooout to meet you!
For the time being, I am watching other couples longingly as they grow together. I watch them climb mountains together. I am watching them come up together and want that for us. Sure, building an empire is fun, don’t get me wrong. I have a clear Hearts Unleashed message and mission that I am on. In my mind, sharing it with you and our future children will be even. more. fun. Doing it all together seems thrilling. Watching you build you and supporting your process as well lights me up!
I am tellin’ yah hun, whatever is keeping us apart has got my trippin’ because I feel so ready to meet you. Anyways, what my family member said was so obvious to me after she said it. Deep down, I did believe her when she told me that you are so extraordinary.
My vision and drive often intimidates men. I have dated, and even married, men who didn’t share my huge goals. I have tried to align with men who don’t fully appreciate or cherish the fullest version of me. This has gotten so discouraging at times. I convinced myself that all the romance I thought I believed in is ‘just in the movies.’ And no, I am not being dramatic, boo. Until last year, I stopped believing that men still open doors or buy flowers.
I have manipulated my own judgement hoping that the men I have been with would evolve into you to no avail. I began to convince myself that you do not exist or I would never even know that you were standing an inch from me because I felt like my judgement of character is so out of whack.
Babe, this has caused such an internal struggle. This dating journey has bent, shaped, and molded me into a woman I didn’t recognize. It has definitely defined and refined who I know myself to be. It has forced me to know me, my standards, my boundaries, my expectations, and conditions of satisfaction. It has granted me so much clarity even in the fog. So I became more focused on the vision.
I kept climbing my own personal mountains. I have kept building my business. I keep tending my own garden. I ended up on a full throttle mission to become something I am not to ‘be ready’ for you. I convinced myself that I had to be fully grown, established, debt-free, mature, womanly, well-dressed, and well-known to find you.
I kept telling myself that I won’t meet you until I am some fully developed version of myself but I have seen how it maintains the gap between us, so I decided to write you this letter instead.
This journey has been exhausting, my love. I have no idea who or where I am going to be when I meet you and I think I am done trying to figure it all out. I have over intellectualized, over compensated, over prepared, and I am over it.
I love you already. I am proud of you. I just want to love you in person. My love language is quality time and every minute I have to wait is twice as long that I want to spend getting to know you and building our lives together. Of course, I’ll keep waiting buuuuuut like, can you hurry up? JK…but suriously babe. Lez go.
Written by Abigail Gazda
Liver of life and lover of love, Abigail has transformed her passion for education into a full-time career as a life coach and public speaker. Author of Giving Up Giving Up: The Memoir of a Quitter, the transformative work she does invites people to live with intentionality and power.